Communication is already a complex personal and interpersonal skill to master but even more so for the neurodivergent. Autism and communication as well as ADHD and communication (or both) can feel even more tasking. Some of the struggles are significantly less obvious than others. Can something as routine as “physical self-care” have a big impact on communication skills? You might be surprised. And speaking of surprises, communicating, self-advocating and emotional processing during unexpected transitions might be the secret sauce to master the art of communication.
WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF YOU DON’T SOUND AUTISTIC WITH BLAKE AND RACHELLE. BLAKE IS AUTISTIC. RACHELLE IS NOT.
You Don’t Sound Autistic is a mental and emotional health awareness podcast. Each week we do our best to represent both neuro-perspectives and talk about the continual discovery process of life on the spectrum. Our goal is to illuminate, uncover and transparently discuss life with multi-diagnosis and through a multi-generational neurodivergent lens.
After reading this summary, listen to the podcast to hear additional insights and stories told only on the podcast.
recognizing Sensory nerve changes (2:34)
The first place we start the communication process each day is with our own bodies. Our nerves literally communicate sensory information both internally through nerves and nerve cells and externally through our sensory nerves. Our sensory nerves carry signals from the external stimuli of sight, smell, touch, and taste to the brain as part of one-way communication from the body to the brain.
Examples of places where sensory nerve changes can influence every day life include:
- Trouble reading
- Difficulty focusing
- Feeling anxious
- Sensory over/under stimulation
- Temperature sensitivity
- Physical, mental and emotional energy changes
- And more…
communication focus is dependent on physical wellness (4:47)
When our physical body feels stable, calm, energetic and pain-free, we feel a sense of “wellness”. Wellness becomes the foundation for easier, less-strained and even creative communication because our physical resources are available to be utilized for social interactions with ourselves and others.
When we don’t feel a state of wellness, our mind and physical resources can be focused on internal regulation making external communication feel tasking and overwhelming. The impacts of communicating without feeling wellness can be felt in our daily push through activities like:
- Learning & expanding
- Emotional processing
- Cleaning & organizing
- Making decisions
- Goal setting & goal seeking
When we don’t have the physical energy to process life, we don’t prioritize mental, emotional, learning activities. Knowing how to your body communicates with you is the first step to managing wellness and your ability to focus. Managing your road to wellness each day is the second step to boosting your natural ability to communicate both with yourself and with the complexities of the outside world.
Self-communication & internal system regulation (6:45)
When you wake up in the morning and realize you haven’t slept well and your stomach hurts, how do you talk to yourself? Do you punish yourself for not feeling well? Do you agonize over keeping your daily commitments? How do you take steps to recover your morning to save your day?
- Start by acknowledging you don’t feel well and be okay with that feeling.
- Focus on the immediate tools you have to identify and support how you’re feeling
- Make adjustments to allow yourself time to take care of yourself.
- If necessary, coordinate these adjustments with people who are counting on you that day
- Most importantly, remember that responding in panic to not feeling well is going to trigger a bigger fight or flight response and you’ll feel worse before you feel better.
- Stay calm and trigger healing instead.
Communication Challenges with Speech (in)accuracies (7:52)
Let’s face it. We have multiple competing communication challenges in our neurodivergent community. Autistic minds demand word and speech perfection to ensure accurate comprehension of the conversation. That’s fair. ADHD minds are often impulsive interrupters (due to short term working memory constraints) tangential and highly passionate and fast speakers. Dyslexic minds (among others) can struggle with accurate word recall and speech sequence accuracy. And these are just a few examples.
- Let’s all start by recognizing that we all have different communication strengths and challenges
- Communication compassion is a two-way street
- Inclusion-based listening is the practice of hearing all parts of communication, not just the words
- Knowing that everyone is learning terminology at different paces is cause for conversation, not contempt
- While words illicit specific meanings, the intention behind words is also important to consider
- When in interpretation-doubt, ask questions. Seek clarification and avoid jumping to conclusions
- We all want positive social interactions; let’s allow each other to be our true selves during conversations
- And don’t be offended if someone asks you clarifying questions.
- Many assume they’re being called a “bad communicator” (that’s a trauma response)
- Allow room for how the other person receives and processes information, and let that be okay too
Why literal communication can fail (10:59)
It’s amazing how many times communication gets inflamed when literal implications trigger emotional responses. Why is that? When we communicate with each other, there are verbal and non-verbal aspects to each interaction. The verbal aspects rely on words while non-verbal aspects rely on emotions.
Speaking from a place of dictionary perfect word usage over the emotional intention of words used in conversation. Being too literal can trigger a person’s emotions and feelings.
- Communication based on decoding literal word meanings is only half of the conversation
- Auto-correcting someone over literal word misusage can come off like being called “stupid”
- The unrecognized non-verbal part of the conversation is now even more triggered
- Avoid all these traps by learning to ask a simple question: “How are you feeling about all this right now?”
- Simultaneously you’ve allowed room for the non-verbal aspects without needing to decode them
- We are all individually responsible to identify and communicate what we’re feeling
- It’s okay to ask someone. We’re not required to guess.
Accepting Communication Responsibility (15:06)
We’ve all heard the phrase “I’m not a mind-reader” and literally speaking, its true for all of us. The onus is on each one of us to take responsibility for our own communication style and accept that our style will not match everyone else equally. Key places where we can focus on communication responsibility include:
- Our ability to summarize details into themes and categories (difficult for those with Autism and ADHD)
- Our focus and attention on reading and speaking words accurately
- Our strength in word recall especially during fight or flight triggered conversations
- Our prioritization on word usage accuracy and identifying our personal opportunities for improvement
- Knowing our own communication patterns
The database skillset of an autistic vs ADHD mind (16:13)
Many autistic minds have the innate ability to store impressive amounts of detailed information on topics of interest. When those details are carefully and thoughtfully organized and stored in the mind, they can be recalled with database-like accuracy.
For those with ADHD and Autism, this mental organization and storing process that fuels word and detail recall can be very different. The fast-thinking (almost impulsive) mental processing can feel overwhelming. Details combined with emotional experiences (positive or negative) are more easily recalled that those without.
- Managing background distractions can be key to focus retention and recall
- Mastering your sensory environment by adjusting lighting, temperature, clutter or sounds is essential
- Knowing that your ability to focus is linked to your ability to “find your zone” can be helpful
feeling unwell spikes communication triggers and avoidance (20:00)
The brain is literally fueled by our body. What we put into our body (food, drinks, sugars, medications, supplements, time for rest and sleep) makes an immediate and cumulative effect on our brain’s ability to handle communication. No matter where you fall on the emotional processing scale, we each have unresolved triggers and past traumas that can derail conversation without warning. How do you manage feeling physically unwell with feeling emotionally (traumatically) unwell at the same time? And how does this conflict manifest?
- To manage feeling overwhelmed you may become:
- Less patient
- Intentionally people-avoidant
- Become anti-social in the name of self-interest and self-preservation
- Easily fatigued and seek a nap or quiet place in space you can fully control
Talking to people is already draining even when you’re feeling well. Conjuring up the “social” version of yourself to handle social and communication interactions requires fuel and self-awareness.
- Developing soft skills like mastering your preparation thinking can be helpful
- Knowing your need to focus your attention on the conversation can mitigate internal distractions
- If you don’t know how to respond to someone, repeat back the last three words they said to you
- Conversational Mirroring: Lets the other person know you were listening and allows them to keep talking. Use this technique to gain further information from the other person until you know how to respond to them.
Vocational considerations based on communication requirements (21:47)
When considering employment, one of the first aspects to evaluate is the communication requirements of the position you’re seeking. If you’re seeking a position that interacts directly with the company’s customers, you need to be okay with unpredictable conversations and requests for help, even handling disgruntled customers.
Companies create positions to serve the needs of the company and represent their brand. We have the equal responsibility to serve our individual needs and represent our self with personal integrity.
- Look for positions where the requirements align with your communication and environmental style
- If you’re not sure, ask questions about the communication methods of the company
- If you thrive on interacting with people and like to help others, customer-facing may be good for you
- Remember, there are customer-facing and background operational categories for positions.
- Both require communication skills but one may be a better fit for you
Self-advocacy communication while job seeking (22:41)
Learning to communicate your needs in a vocational setting can be a skillset all on its own. Studies prove that hiring managers only hear what you say first. You can be honest and authentic and list your needs as positives to help you be as productive as possible instead of listing conditions that feel negative or demanding.
- My ideal working environment is “x”
- I feel most confident with written instructions, feedback and intercompany interactions
- I do my best thinking and work in quiet environments with natural or non-fluorescent lighting
- I enjoy working thoroughly and quickly when I can listen to my own music to help me focus
While you may choose to share your neurodivergent reality with your prospective employer, your medical history is your personal information and not a (dis)qualification for employment.
how sleep and digestion facilitate communication (28:07)
Regenerative sleep and digestion are both functions of the Parasympathetic Nervous System which governs the body through the repair cycles that follow fight or flight stress responses (of the Sympathetic Nervous System). Sleep and digestion are the two most important aspects of physical wellness and lay the foundation for physical energy.
- Our brains require sleep to organize the day’s learnings and data input
- Our brains require nutrients from our digestive process to power the neurotransmitters and sleep-inducing hormones and processes that allow us to sleep and rejuvenate our physical body.
emotional tools to manage global news & communications (28:40)
How do you deal with hearing upsetting local, national or global news and events? Each of us handle this differently. Knowing how you Emotionally Process is key. Emotions can be processed through many different cognitive and experiential ways. Emotions are the biological (hormonal) response to our thoughts (neurotransmitters).
How do you process unsettling news you read and hear?
- Literally – Processing the information based on how it immediately impacts you or doesn’t
- Logically – Seeing the connections between events to understand cause and effect
- Emotionally – Allowing your feelings to guide your responses (can be influenced by your own triggers)
- Mentally – Thinking through your capacity to contribute to the solution
- Empathically – Processing your feeling by separating from the feelings of others and the outside world
- Traumatically – Allowing new events to trigger unresolved traumatic events from your personal past
Emotional Processing overtime (35:00)
It takes time to digest information before responding to the emotional aspect of any given experience or news. Reactions to big events like death or surprise birthday parties might be processed similarly. Anytime information comes as a shock, it first has to be understood in order to be processed. Because both ends of the emotional scale (positive vs. negative) contain a lot of emotional data to process, it’s okay to communicate that you need time.
Some conversations phrases that may help include:
- “I wasn’t expecting this (event/gift/news) and I need a moment to take it all in”
- “Wow. I can see the effort this took to arrange. Let me take a moment to see everything”
Authenticity of greetings vs. Automatic reactions (37:55)
Interpersonal greetings are one of the most common parts of social interactions that either communicate authenticity or fake-feeling automatic reactions. And it’s important to know the difference and how greetings set the tone for the entire conversation.
Because many of us have masked and mirrored our way through social interactions for a lifetime before learning about neurodiversity, greetings are now automatic.
Authentic Greetings
- Feel customized to each person
- Are a reflection of your relationship
- Feel warm and welcoming to receive
- Comes from expressing your personal feelings towards the person in that moment
Automatic Greetings
- Feel & sound identical for each time/person
- Are not a reflection of your relationship
- Feel fake and contrived like “acting”
- Can happen when copying a greeting you saw and using it each time you greet someone
communicating the paradox of surprises – unexpected transitions (39:22)
While you might like the idea of being surprised, you may not have the same capacity to receive the surprise as easily. Overtime you may even learn to communicate that you don’t prefer surprises, and that’s okay. Movies and TV show us an unrealistic response to surprises that can be quiet confusing. Especially for those with an Expectation-based reality where surprises are processed in the same way as unexpected transitions.
- Our ability to handle the change can be determined by how fast the transition is implemented
- You might be accused of being ungrateful when your reaction doesn’t fit the giver’s expectations
- The timing of communicating the surprise IS the most important tool to navigating this paradox
How ADHD & Autism navigate communication of changes (43:19)
ADHD minds battle distraction constantly making a “surprise” feel more like a derailment of their focused plan. Adding extra errands and allowing unexpected new tasks into the daily agenda can feel overwhelming and trigger a fight or flight stress response which can destroy productivity for the entire day. Very frustrating.
Autistic minds manage their day by creating routines and when accomplished feels emotionally comforting. Adding surprises to the day creates instant transition issues and requires faster than comfortable processing to be able to accept and agree to that change of plans while feeling triggered to push for your original expectations.
- Meltdowns can be triggered because change can feel like a threat. Plain and simple. Even positive change.
- Multi-passionate minds can be fired up with big ideas and the energy to pull off a big wish list.
- Both ADHD and Autism creates challenges with organization and prioritization on the fly
- Whether the changes are coming from others or your own internal desires both can feel conflicting
Self-Communication for Multi-passionate individuals (45:57)
How we talk to ourselves is the MOST crucial component of communication. Do you feel like you’re going through the motions of any particular social interaction? It’s likely because you’re not feeling inspired or interested in the topic or environment. For multi-passionate minds, self-talk can be the key to your success or struggle to navigate obligational topics or environments.
- First, allow yourself to acknowledge that you’re not feeling inspired or interested
- Second, evaluate why you’re in that environment in the first place
- Third, determine when and how you can make a change to better reflect your interests
- In school or work place environments that may not be as easy to change, try finding ways to make your internal experience more fun. Like making a game out completing a task.
- Finally, utilize your time in that environment to better identify what you do and don’t like about that experience so you can apply that knowledge to your next experience.
Communicating your personal response to medications 47:35
Since many of us are working with medical/mental health professionals for professional treatment plans, it’s important to be able to self-monitor and communicate your personal responses to medications.
- Every medication works differently for each person
- Don’t assume someone knows how you feel
- It’s helpful to write down how you felt prior to starting a new medication (so you don’t have to remember)
- As you notice changes, write and date your observations and report them back to your doctor
- Helpful Hint: Make categories for physical, mental, emotional and social observations
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