WAVES OF DEPRESSION (2:58)

Emotions that feel “below ground” for a period of hours to days, but not longer than two weeks, may be caused by a depressive episode. Also called “Periodic Melancholia” or “very brief depression”, depression has been characterized and labeled since 1852.

• During depression, depressive episodes can feel so heavy that we stop verbally communicating. As a result, even if you want to speak you might not feel like you can.
• Experiencing these episodes 6-12 times a year (unrelated to menstruation-women) might be a sign of Recurrent Brief Depression (RBD).

RELIEF, GRIEF & BURNOUT (5:11)

Generally speaking, receiving the results of your evaluation can throw you into the 5-stages of grief. Anger is the first step; Depression is the fourth. And they often remain active throughout the grief process.

• Frequently, the back-and-forth of feeling relief and grief, burns out your emotional engines quickly and explosively.
• This co-emotional trigger leaves you feeling and communicating with passive-aggressive, indirect blame towards your close inner-tribe. Additionally, projecting unrecognized feelings onto others is a reflective, yet challenging way, to self-identify your own emotional neglect.

NEGLECTING EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION PATTERNS (5:58)

Childhood and adult emotional neglect can be traced back for multiple generations in many family histories. This may help explain why emotional processing challenges consistently accompany Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression and other Neurodivergent conditions. The brain has been fired and wired generationally to neglect emotions.

• Anger appears to be intrinsically linked to the emotional dysregulation experienced by those with ADHD. Learning to regulate thoughts, emotions and behaviors (actions) when the feelings so quickly escalate into anger can feel like you’re chasing a run-away train over a narrow bridge between two mountain-side cliffs.
• In the mid-20th century, emotional dysregulation and anger were connected to ADHD before current diagnostic criteria were created. (1) 
• About 70% of adults of ADHD also report emotional dysregulation (2)

NEGLECTING ANGER & RAGE (8:34)

First, anger management education courses are available online to help improve communication about feelings of anger. Second, when starting new medications, ask your doctor about potential anger side-effects.

• If your feelings of anger change on the medication, report the changes to your doctor and let them help you decode your feelings from medication side-effects. Next, don’t wait to report these changes.
• Also, track days and times of increased anger and provide that information in your report. The more information you provide your physician, the better they can support your medication management.

NEGLECTING TRANSITION TRIGGERS (9:57)

Amid thoughts of walking into unpredictable transitions, notice if you’re feeling triggered when preparing to come home from work, or converse with customers or co-workers.  Routines provide emotional comfort.

• Because transitions require you to leave the comfort of what you know and prepare for the unknown of the next environment, transitions can trigger anger.
• Autism Spectrum Disorder is often soothed by strict adherence to routines and predictable transitions, and dysregulated by spontaneous, under-communicated changes.

EARLY PARENTING ADVICE (12:33)

It’s all starting to make more sense. Just take a look at the conflicting parenting patterns of the last 100 years. 

• A Handbook for Obstetric Nursing from 1911 told parents were told to handle their baby as little as possible or they would “foolishly spoil” babies and they’d grow up to be “little tyrants”.
• In addition, Behaviorist John B. Watson in 1928 doubled-down in his book, Psychological Care of the Infant and Child when he stated “mothers found that if they started training the infant at birth it would learn to go to sleep without rocking. This gave the mother more time for household duties, gossiping, bridge and shopping.” (pg. 67) Watson taught mothers to “Never hug and kiss them (babies), never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night.” (pg. 73)

CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (13:36)

Emotional Neglect happens when your parents do not notice your feelings, ask about your feelings or validate your feelings enough. Jonice Webb, Ph.D outlines 8 Red Flags of Emotional Neglect in a Family which can help you understand how you may have been raised with these or similar patterns. (3)

• In particular, there may be enough hugs, money, food and clothing. However when emotional awareness, validation, compassion or emotional care is not provided to children, this creates the foundation for an emotionally neglectful family. Emotional neglect can hide in plain sight and become difficult to observe.
• Furthermore, emotionally neglectful parents often have no idea they are ignoring their kids’ emotions or their own.

SIGNS OF CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (22:14)

The hidden gem in learning these signs and reflecting back into your own life is that now you have the words to describe those invisible and under-tow feelings that push and pull without clear reason or rationalization. 

• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty regulating emotions
• Inability to ask for or accept help or support from others
• Heightened sensitivity to rejection
• Lack of language for describing feelings
• Dissociative tendencies
• Shame or guilt around emotions (4)

LACK OF EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE (23:38)

There are two common pathways to take if you have grown up with emotional neglect. For example, one option is to learn to ignore your own feelings and even take steps to avoid dealing with the feelings of others. By contrast, the second option is to become over-sensitive to emotions, feeling and nurturing other people’s emotions, often before your own.

• Feeling like you can’t communicate because the relationship lacks a common language, can feel overwhelming, regardless of age.

ANGER HIJACKS EMOTIONAL PROCESSING (30:28)

Try feeling your feelings long enough to name what them before you get angry at the feeling, person or situation. Anger is brain-override response that triggers the fight or flight response and flips the emotional experience into a threat.

• Feelings stack, layer and repeat until you take the time to sort, identify and understand why the feeling is coming up in the first place.
• When feeling “assaulted” by another, be it verbal or physical, feelings like being disregarded, devalued, distrusted, guilty, rejected, or unloved result in emotional distress. The deepest, most survival-related emotion is feeling powerless. When someone says or does something hurtful to feelings, at the most primal level it revives ancient fears of helplessness and hopelessness. (5)

LINGERING HARM OF CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (6) (35:45)

Emotional neglect is described as the absence of a response, a lack of emotional recognition and validation. Eventually, these lacks become disruptions in your ability to associate what you’re feeling with the name of that feeling.

While trauma and abuse happen to us, neglect is a process that doesn’t occur.

EMOTIONAL NEGLECT VS NURTURING IN INFANCY (36:44)

Paradigm-shattering discoveries in infant and child emotional processing were revealed in the late 1980-90’s that babies begin life by assessing if they are loved, wanted and safe. Just like adults, babies are impacted by feelings of threats and can be traumatized by environments that don’t meet their young emotional needs.

• While unconscious of these early developmental needs, children continue seeking emotional refuge into adulthood until emotional awareness, development and emotional regulation is achieved.
• Therefore, learning to ask the question “What Are You Feeling Right Now?” to yourself and your loved ones can be a game-changer. Asking questions helps us name our feelings, flips the switch from nagging threats to concerned emotional nurturing.

WHY BEING ASKED ABOUT FEELINGS, FEELS THREATENING (39:50)

After years of not being asked about your feelings, it’s a shock to the system to find yourself called upon to name your feelings. Instantly, you feel inadequate while unable to identify the feeling of inadequacy. Because you don’t know how you feel, you feel confused and annoyed that you’re being asked to think about your feelings.

• Quickly, a person showing you concern and love may feel like a demoralizing threat leaving you caught in the crosshairs of mentally invisible feelings.
• Because attempts at emotional conversations trigger fights, it’s difficult to move forward in a relationship when you feel punished for asking (or being asked) emotional questions.

WHEN PARENTS CAN’T NAME THEIR FEELINGS (42:50)

Certainly, parents that cannot recognize their own feelings also fail to recognize their child’s feelings. Disconnects between emotionally neglected children and their parents persist into adulthood creating cyclical neglect. Physiologically, we look to parents for emotional comfort and security.

• As a result, adults and children often have a lifetime of anxiety and depression and live unaware.
• Because neither generation was taught to identify these debilitating emotional experiences, much less express their feelings, neither generation is taught how to discuss their symptoms with a doctor and receive treatment unless their ability to cope has met it’s capacity and is breaking down. 

LANGUAGE IS THE FOUNDATION OF SELF-ADVOCACY (48:17)

 Communicating your needs to another person requires you to know how to identify what’s wrong and how to correct your discomfort. Self-Advocacy starts by developing the language specific to your unique experience, in your unique physical, mental and emotional body.

LASTING EFFECTS OF CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (51:00)

Do these sound familiar? Give yourself to a few minutes to read through this list and let the patterns illuminate. 

• Difficulty maintaining relationships
• Relationships that are distant or disconnected
• Distrust of others
• Inability to ask for help
• Persistent feelings of loneliness, guilt, or shame
• Inability to deal with emotions of self or others
• Dissociative or shutting-down behaviors (7)
• Sabotaging relationships or opportunities in order to avoid rejection
• Heightened risk of anxiety disorders and depressive disorders (8)
• Emotional reactivity

STUDIES OF EMOTIONAL IMPACTS ON THE BRAIN (6) (56:20)

Anger is linked to increased inflammation in the body which can be associated with chronic health problems like arthritis, heart disease and cancer. (2019)

• Feeling hope helps prevent people from developing addictions. (2020)
• Feeling gratitude reduces people’s impulsiveness. (2016)
  • Check out Episode 44: Gratitude is the Attitude of Healing